TITLE: Closed Circuit
AUTHOR: Laura Shapiro
RATING: PG, this time
SUMMARY: This picks up just after the end of "Restless".
SPOILERS: "Restless" and vague S4 references.
ARCHIVE: Sure, but keep my name attached
FEEDBACK: laura@humandesign.com
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy and the WB 
and Fox all get to make money off them. I just like to get their 
hair mussed.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Many thanks to Te for audiencing, Hal for confirming 
my fears and being a prince about it, and Spike, and Pares for encouragement.
DEDICATION: This is for Pares, who needs more girlsmooches in her life.


******************
Closed Circuit
by Laura Shapiro
******************

"You're a closed circuit, baby.
You've got the answers in the palm of your hand."
-- Laurie Anderson




"Your mom can really make breakfast."

"She's the breakfastiest. Where are you headed? To Tara's 
room?"

"Mm, yeah. She was...in my dream in a way that makes me 
really want to talk to her. And -- stuff."

"And I think she was in Xander's dream too, not that he'd admit 
it."

Willow tilted her head and eyed Buffy narrowly. "You got that 
feeling too, huh?"

"I *so* don't want to go there. I cannot believe his hormones." 
Buffy smiled, wondering what else Xander wasn't telling them.

"Well, to be fair, he *does* know how to use them."

"Will!"

"Well, he does! I mean --" Willow fiddled with her hair. "I 
never got to talk to you or anybody about it, because you know,
big secret thing. But. Xander's a *great* kisser."

The morning sun allowed Buffy to squint, look away, shield her 
face, and generally not look embarassed. Good sun. Nice sun.

"How does he stack up to Oz?"

Willow turned abruptly hugged Buffy hard. "Buff, I'm *so* glad 
that we're talking again. This is so what we should have been
doing all year."

Buffy hugged her friend back and looked her in the eyes, sun be 
damned. "I know." She kept one arm around Willow's waist as 
they walked. "So, how *was* Oz in the kissing department?"

"He was...different. I mean, Xander kisses like he can never get 
enough, like he's starving and you're a plate of food someone's
gonna take away. Oz...Oz kissed like he had all the time in the
world."

Buffy swallowed and did not think about the fact that she'd 
never been kissed like that. "Do you think that's because, well,
Oz was really with you, and Xander was...flukey?"

Willow sighed. "I wish I knew. I still...this sounds awful. I still 
wish that Xander and I could've had a time when it was just us, 
before...well, you know. Before."

Buffy squeezed Willow, feeling the softness over bird bones that 
was her narrow body.

"I know."

They were on campus now, making their way toward the dorms. 
Soon Willow would wander off toward her...girlfriend...and
Buffy would be alone for a while. To think. Which she really
didn't feel like doing.

"I've always wondered -- what was kissing Angel like?"

Buffy clenched down on herself, bracing for the wash of pain 
that inevitably...huh...totally failed to materialize at the 
mention of Angel's name. Well. That was good, wasn't it?

"Cold."

Willow looked at her curiously, and then they both burst into a 
variety of giggles.

"No, really! Vampires are room temperature! It was like kissing 
a bowl of oatmeal that had been sitting out all day!"

They were gasping for air at this point.

"Eew!"

"It was seriously Of The Clammy."

They had stopped walking and were doubled over.

"I used to make him drink hot tea before a makeout session and 
between smoochies, because otherwise -- "

Tears were streaming down Willow's face. Buffy realized that 
she'd never laughed at, or even concerning, Angel before.

She pulled Willow close to her, for a longer hug this time, as 
they got their breath back. "I've really missed you," she whispered into 
hair that smelled faintly of lavender.

Willow pulled back slightly and looked at her, and then took her 
hand. "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"I'm going to show you what kissing Tara is like."

Buffy staggered a bit after Willow as this thought sank in.

"Um, don't you think Tara might...have something to say about 
that?" Not to mention Riley. How did this become weird? And
yet, it didn't feel weird. It felt like something she should have
done years ago.

"Yeah, she'll probably say, 'oh, good, someone to show off for.' 
Tara's actually very proud of her, um, amorous
accomplishments."

Buffy felt her eyebrows crawling toward her hairline, but 
deadpanned, "Is she."

Willow gave Buffy a gentle shove up the dorm steps and down 
the hall. Buffy let herself be shoved, keenly aware of the heat in 
Willow's hands and the heat moving through her own body.
She felt so warm and safe and happy and good. When was the
last time she'd felt like this?

Tara's voice could be heard on the other side of the door, talking 
to the still-unnamed kitten. Buffy couldn't hear what she was
saying, but she wasn't being the least bit cutesy about it. Tara
shouted "come in" in a way that was somehow soft.

Tara. Soft. And she had been -- Buffy remembered now -- so, 
wise, or something, in her dream. She'd been...

And then they were in Tara's room, where she'd never been 
before, and the faint odors of burnt herbs and clean cat filled her 
nostrils, and the light was soft like Tara, and Tara was lit up
golden in the sun, and Tara was.

A goddess.

Just like in her dream.

Tara looked up from the floor, her hand hovering over the 
kitten's white belly, her eyes shaded by eternally long lashes. Her
face was filled with contentment, the assurance of being loved,
needed, chosen.

Quiet confidence. Dignity. Poise. Who *was* this woman?

Willow knelt down beside her and took Tara's face in her hands. 
She nibbled a bit at Tara's upper lip, and then her head turned
and Buffy couldn't see anymore, and anyway she felt she
should've looked discreetly away before now.

Tara certainly had some interesting tapestries hanging over her 
bed, yes sir...

Little noises, gentle giggles, skin sliding on skin...

"Um, guys, I'm gonna --"

"Oh, no you don't." Willow patted the floor next to her. "You 
haven't played with the kitten yet."

Tara made a little squeaking noise and Willow spluttered and 
blushed. Uncertainly, Buffy sat down on the carpet next to them.

Willow took her hand. "Tara was in your dream, too, wasn't 
she, Buffy?"

"Yeah, she was -- you were," she met Tara's eyes, large and
placid. Serene. Something. Tara looked so utterly *knowing*,
and yet so totally kind, that Buffy both wanted and didn't want
to tell her absolutely everything. She felt like Tara already knew.

"You were...the voice. Speaking for the first slayer. You 
were...hmm. Before that. In my bedroom." She stopped, 
thinking. It was starting to fade.

"I thought you might actually have *been* there," Willow said 
in a high tone, almost a question.

Tara held Buffy's eyes. "I might have been," She turned to 
Willow. "but I don't remember it. Sounds like you had a zany
night."

Buffy relaxed a little. Fine, three friends, talking about their 
dreams, nothing to see here, move along please. "It was wacky,
and believe me I've had all I need of wacky lately. But it's been
great, being close to my friends again." She squeezed Willow's
hand.

"We were talking about kissing," Willow said smilingly, and 
Buffy briefly flashed on the long-haired tenth-grader confessing
her smoochlessness at the Bronze.

"Well, actually, Will, *you* were doing most of the talking," 
Buffy grinned.

"Really." Tara turned to Willow. "And what did you say?"

Willow rolled her eyes. "We hadn't really gotten to you, yet."

Tara seemed to enjoy watching Willow squirm, which was 
interesting. She poked Willow and Willow giggled. "We 
*hadn't*!"

Which wasn't true, because...

"Actually, she said she was going to show me how you kiss, and
I really shouldn't have said that, should I?"

How the hell was she ever going to live *that* down? Sure, 
Willow wasn't the type to tease, but without any outside 
assistance Buffy was quite capable of dying of embarassment.

Willow wouldn't tease. Willow wasn't teasing. Willow was 
looking at Tara earnestly, asking her something with no words 
at all. Buffy no longer wanted to disappear. She wanted to be part 
of something that deep, that strong, that could speak without 
words.

And be answered. Tara took Willow's hands, gazed at her for a 
moment. The thing between them was so strong Buffy thought 
she could see it in the air, arcing back and forth, a crackle of 
neon-pink energy.

Buffy wanted that. She looked at her best friend, and the woman 
she loved, and she wasn't embarrassed. All she felt was "let me 
in."

"It's okay." Tara's low, sweet voice, Tara's warm hand covering 
hers. "You can, um." A glance at Willow, a hint of a smile. "You 
can do whatever you want."

Tara's shyness had returned, but still her eyes were enormous, 
golden bowls of light, and her hands were soft, and her lips were 
parted, and Buffy was falling into her as if Tara was emitting her 
own gravitational field.

And then Buffy was pressing her lips onto Tara's, opening Tara 
further with her tongue, tasting her, a taste fresh and bright like 
ozone. Tara drew her deeper, stroking and twining, no nibble, no 
tease, nothing playful or questing. No searching for Buffy's 
rhythm, just a relentless *taking*. Tara didn't need to learn. She 
knew.

When the room stopped spinning, Buffy was lying on top of 
Tara with both hands tangled in her hair. Panting. Tara's hands 
were warmly cupping the small of her back, not pulling her 
closer, just being there. Her mouth was swollen.

Oh my god. "What *was* that?"

"That was the way Tara kisses." Willow's voice, and Buffy 
flinched. She'd forgotten Willow was even there. "You seemed 
to like it."

"I...I'm not sure this is..." Liking it or not liking it didn't seem to 
be the issue right now. "What about Riley?"

There was laughter in Willow's voice. "Buffy, if you told Riley 
you liked kissing women, he'd go 'oh cool, can I watch?'" Tara 
chuckled beneath her, and Buffy felt the vibrations in her hips, 
her belly, warm and good. A little throb and her panties were 
wet. Apparently, liking it *was* the issue.

"That's not fair." But she could almost hear Riley saying it. 
"Besides, I'm not a -- I'm not gay."

Tara rolled her eyes. "You don't have to be, you know. It's not 
like there are rules." She stroked Buffy's back, "And I don't 
think that's what's really bothering you."

Willow moved closer, took Buffy's hand. "Can't you just be 
here?" Willow's lips were warm and moist against Buffy's palm, 
and a little shiver ran all the way down her arm. Tara took her 
other hand and placed a kiss inside Buffy's elbow. The two 
shivers connected somewhere in the vicinity of her chest. 
Connected, as though Buffy was completing the circuit. She was 
part of this. She searched Tara's face. Tara knew everything,
didn't she?

"Maybe you can tell me...what this means? Why I'm here?"

"Buffy --"

"Willow." She looked up, and Willow's face was the same love-
ful, smiling face that had giggled to her earlier. Nothing had
changed there.

"Willow, I think Tara's holding out on us."

Tara stroked Buffy's cheek, and it was so gentle and good that 
Buffy felt herself leaning into it, dragged in again by Tara's 
gravitational pull.

Buffy caught Tara's hand, kissed it, and then looked into her 
eyes again.

"Tell me."

Pale blue with flecks of gold, Tara's eyes were magical. Her face, 
still flushed, had its mysterious serene beauty back again. Buffy 
felt like she could circle Tara's heavenly body forever, until her 
orbit decayed and she crashed and burned. And still not know 
the slightest thing about her. That was scary.

"Buffy, I, um. I think you think I'm your fairy godmother."

"I -- what?"

Tara turned slowly and Buffy rolled off of her, onto the floor. 
"You know. 'Are you a -- a good witch or a bad witch?'" She 
opened her arms and Willow crept into them. They smiled at 
each other, and Buffy was outside the circle again. It hurt.

"No, Tara, I...I know you're a good witch. But that's just it. Your 
witchiness. I mean, are you...did you...?"

"Buffy, you can't blame other people for what you want," 
Willow said. "I learned that."

Ow.

"Um, okay, how did this get to be about me?" Buffy looked at her 
hands.

Tara's voice, soft. "You're here because you wanted to be here. 
You chose to be here."

Buffy raised her eyes. They were looking at her with so much 
care. They were offering her so much. Her heart jacknifed inside 
her. "And if I choose to leave?"

Willow smiled. "We'll understand."

Buffy stood up, made futile brushing-her-pants-off motions. She
should probably say something. Or something.

And then her arms were full of good-humored best friend.
Willow hugged her intensely and said, "Now, go make out
with Riley."

"Willow!"

"Just for comparison's sake." Willow put on her stern researcher
face. "I expect a full report tomorrow." Leave it to Will to make
everything feel okay again.

Buffy turned to leave, then turned back. "Hey. Thank you. Both
of you."

Tara looked up, and the light caught in her eyes. "Anytime."



END

More buffysmut than you can shake a stick at: http://www.sirius.com/~lshapiro/vanity